A Monkery of the System
by MsJadey
Summary: Remember the gorilla suits? Well, Frank won't soon forget them. . . one-shot.


**Title:** A Monkery of the System  
**Rating:** G  
**Summary:** Just another day at the 4077. Takes place before any of the main character switches.  
**Disclaimer:** The characters, setting, and concept of MASH do not belong to me and I neither seek nor make profit. This is purely for art and appreciation of the series.  
  
Oh boy, was there ever a big ruckus in the yard yesterday! It was about noon, and I know that because Colonel Blake was trying to take his noon nap at the time, and did he ever wake up mad!  
  
He came running out of his office in his undershorts and hat and then I followed outside with his pants because he was going to want them, and I was thinking, "Oh man, Trapper and Hawkeye have done it again!" And when I got out there, they sure had done it again and they'd done enough of it to make me forgot all about the pants, the hat, the captains, and the Colonel.  
  
Y'see, a while ago, those two guys got these mail-order gorilla suits in the mail. Well, I guess it was obvious they came in the mail seeing as they were mail-order. Anyway, they wore 'em for a while and really broke up the boredom for everybody. It was swell to see them out playing golf into the minefield, all got up in those suits.  
  
Colonel Blake banned the suits from the operating room though, and once casualties started in heavy again, those suits just disappeared. I guess everyone assumed that they were gone. Maybe donated to the orphanage. But they musta been hidden all along, because one of them turned up yesterday.  
  
All glued to Major Frank Burns.  
  
Well, the suit wasn't really glued _to_ him, but it sure was on him and the zipper was glued shut, so it was all about the same thing.  
  
Gee, it was a great thing to see Major Burns running around and hollering for somebody to help him, yanking and tugging at the suit. He was even better at impersonating a gorilla than the captains were! 'Course, Trapper would just say that Major Burns had been practicing for longer.  
  
Major Houlihan was out there too, yelling at Trapper. I guess she was only yelling at him because Hawkeye was so busy laughing that there wouldn't be any point trying to yell at him.  
  
"Captain McIntyre, how dare you do such a thing! Of all the pranks, this is the worst."  
  
"You hear that, Hawk? We've topped ourselves at last."  
  
"Oh, stop that! Now you get him out of that suit right away before he suffocates."  
  
"Don't worry, Hot Lips--I'll go get his razor and we'll have him looking like normal in no time."  
  
"Yeah, like a bald monkey."  
  
That one was Hawkeye. He stopped laughing just long enough to say it, and then Major Burns tripped over a stone and did a really nice somersault that mighta been an accident. That just got Hawkeye going all over again and Trapper too. Heck, everybody in the whole camp was laughing except the majors.  
  
"This is the absolute limit, Pierce! Unless you two begin according Frank the respect he deserves as your superior officer and a doctor, I will personally make sure that the military police lock you both up until the end of the next war!"  
  
"But Major, we did show our respect for Frank as a doctor."  
  
"You trapped him in a monkey suit!"  
  
"Yeah, but we glued a stethoscope to him too."  
  
That's when the Colonel stepped in.  
  
"Okay, guys. You've had your fun. Now how about we get him outta there before more choppers come in and he has to operate like that?"  
  
"But Henry, having opposable thumbs might actually improve his surgery."

"Yeah, we just bumped him up the evolutionary chain."  
  
"Ha ha, Pierce. Just do it."  
  
Hot Li-- I mean Major Houlihan wasn't yelling anymore because after the stethoscope thing she just kinda turned all red and puffy and stood real still with her fists clenched. I was pretty sure she was about to punch somebody, head nurse or not, before the Colonel spoke up.  
  
Anyway, Captain Pierce and Captain McIntyre dragged Major Burns into the OR and made him lie down on a table. Major Burns got kinda quiet then and he was sorta whimpering.  
  
Both of the captains insisted on being fully scrubbed for the 'operation'. I think they were trying to work up the suspense to mess with the major some more. Both majors, because Major Houlihan was so nervous she went and told them to be careful. In the mood they were in, that wasn't the best thing to do.  
  
"She's right, you know. This is a very important and delicate operation."  
  
"Is it?"  
  
"Of course. We wouldn't want to hurt the suit."  
  
Major Houlihan almost screamed at them for that, but then they sobered up and got to work.  
  
Trapper: "Scalpel."  
  
Hot Lips: "Scalpel."  
  
Hawkeye: "Scalpel."  
  
Hot Lips: "Do you really both need scalpels just to cut open one costume?"  
  
(If you hadn't guessed it, neither Major Burns or Major Houlihan trusted the captains with knives around Major Burns. Not since they cut up sixteen sets of shoelaces between them in just one day--while the laces were on Major Burns's feet.)  
  
Hawkeye: "Oh, of course. How silly of me. Cancel the scalpel."  
  
Trapper: "So now what are you going to do while I'm cutting him open?"  
  
Hawkeye: "I'll monitor the pulse."  
  
Hot Lips: "What do you mean, monitor his pulse? He isn't dying!"  
  
Hawkeye: "I said nothing of _his_ pulse."  
  
And that's when Hawkeye grabbed Major Houlihan and started kissing her neck. She started shrieking and making a ton of noise and Major Burns just shot up on the operating table. Then Trapper grabbed the back of his costume and give a terrific yank and pulled the whole thing open at the back. That's army regulation glue for you.  
  
Of course, that's when we found out that when Captain Pierce and Captain Trapper glued Major Burns into the gorilla suit, he had just gotten out of the shower at the time.  
  
Wow, I never saw a major run so fast.  
  
"Radar?"  
  
"Yes sir?"  
  
"Have I got two captains in hysterics, one major in shock, and another major running buck naked across the compound, half out of his gorilla suit?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"And am I not wearing any pants?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Do you happen to _have_ my pants?"  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"Well give them here already!"  
  
"And Radar?"  
  
"Yes sir?"  
  
"Schedule a lecture for later this week."  
  
"Yes sir. On what?"  
  
"The importance of being in uniform at all times."  
  
"Yes sir!"


End file.
